My C-Section

When I was little, I remember looking at my mother's c-section scar.  I remember sitting at my aunt and uncle's house, watching the little mermaid, and waiting for my dad to come and tell me that my little brother had been born.  He too, just like me, was born via c-section.  I remember when my sister was born via c-section as well.  It never occurred to me as a child that a c-section is not a "normal" way to give birth.  It never occurred to me that it would be an embarrassment or shameful to someone.  My grandmother had 3 c-sections.  My mother had 3 c-sections.  I have always looked at those two women and held them in the highest regard when it came to motherhood.  I have never felt embarrassed or ashamed at my mother for the fact that I was born via c-section.

I learned what "natural" childbirth was when I was in fourth grade via "the video."  You all know what video I am talking about.  What many people looked at and saw "natural," I saw screaming, bloody horrible-ness, and truthfully, it scared me.  To me, it looked "natural" in the same way watching an elderly person waste away is "natural."

When I was 18, I got pregnant for the first time.  Things were going great until my boyfriend at the time and I went to the first ultrasound and found that there was no longer a heartbeat.  Normally, when there is something wrong with a pregnancy, a woman's body will naturally expel said pregnancy.  Mine did not.  If not for western medicine, I probably would have died.  It was during that absolutely devastating time in my life that I learned that my body naturally carries zero oxytocin.

I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 21.  I had a pretty normal pregnancy, aside from a few complications in the beginning.  I remember being about 30 weeks along, and setting up the nursery after one of my baby showers that something hit me like a ton of bricks- this baby was going to need to come out.  Of my vagina.  My vagina, that hurt when I had sex with her dad, was now going to have to accommodate a 10 centimeter baby head.  In that moment, I remembered the horrific health class video from way back when.  I logically had known by that woman was screaming and writhing
in pain, but in that instant, it was like a lightbulb clicked on in my head and I understood that this would be happening to me.  I called my mother, and told her that I wanted to quit.  "Nope, I think I am going to be pregnant forever," I said jokingly.

I knew from that day, I would absolutely, without a doubt be getting the epidural.  It didn't even occur to me to not.  Why would I not?  In ANY other medical procedure, nobody brags about going "pain free."  Never have I ever seen someone post about their tooth procedure on facebook and go on about how it was "drug free."  Childbirth IS a medical procedure.  And when and if there are medications to help me not feel pain, I happily take them.

I told my OB that I was interested in a c-section, but knew that they wouldn't do it for me unless it was medically necessary.  My OB laughed at me, and in a condescending tone, she told me that a "c-section is a major surgery and you don't want that."

At 41.5 weeks, my daughter still wasn't born, and I was an anxious, upset mess.  I went in every single day to the doctor to listen to her heartbeat (maybe something was wrong, like in my first pregnancy, and I had no idea).  One of these times, I reached the magical "high blood pressure" line, and that was enough for the doctor to send me into the hospital for a scheduled induction.

Only problem- my cervix was hard as a rock and not dilated at all.  If I was put on pitocin, nothing would happen.  So, my mother and I went to the women's center of the hospital and I had to lay flat while a stranger applied "cervix softening gel" to my cervix.  Then, I had to wait for 2 hours while the gel worked it's magic.  After three applications- no difference was made. I was sent home, and assured that the next day, things would be better.  Only, the next day, things weren't better, and there was no improvement with my cervix.  This time, the doctor told me about a cervix softening pill, and asked if I would like to try that instead of the gel.  Since the gel had failed me the previous day, I asked for the pill.  Doctor number two (also a stranger) inserted the pill, and I had to lie down and wait.  It did nothing.

My doctor told me about a balloon catheter that they could put inside my cervix, and the baby's head would push down on the balloon, causing my cervix to open.  They could send me home with this thing, and when it came out, I would be dilated to 2cm.  It hurt like a SONOFABITCH to put this thing in, and I literally had this hanging out of my vagina:

The balloon part was up in my cervix, and my daughter's head was supposed to be pushing down on it, while the huge plastic things hung down out of my lady bits.  

I went home, in tears, because I felt like an idiot and humiliated at all these people I didn't know with their hands in my vagina, and this horrible frustration of wanting my baby to come out and feeling like nobody would help me.

The next day, the balloon catheter came out while I was using the restroom.  I called the hospital all excited.  I was told I couldn't come in to start induction, because there were too many people in the maternity ward already, and they didn't have a room to induce me in.  I cried on the phone.  I told them that they didn't understand- I had worked SO hard for this, and if they made me wait, my cervix would clamp shut.  I was told that this almost never happens, not to worry, and to call back if I had any cramping or labor started, or if I was bleeding.  None of those things happened.

I got a phone call at 6am the next day that I could come to the hospital and they would induce me.  Hurray!!!  I insisted that everyone in the house run out the door, that way nobody could call and say never mind.

I got to the hospital at 7am on the dot and was checked into labor and delivery.  I was hooked up to an IV and given pitocin.  I waited and waited...and I felt NOTHING.  The nurses insisted I bounce on a ball.  Nothing.  The nurses suggested I walk up and down a hallway to get labor started.  I wandered around with an IV in one hand, and holding my gown closed in the butt with the other hand for what seemed like hours.  Not even a twinge of labor.

At noon, a stranger (doctor) came in to check my progress.  Which was none.  This doctor told me I had the choice of going home, and coming back to try petosin the next day, or they could manually break my water.  After the previous day, where I was sent home and then had to wait to come back, I absolutely was NOT leaving my bed.  I told them to break my water.

Can I say OUCH?

Never in my life have I had such an unpleasant vaginal feeling as when they did that.  I have my inner labia pierced, and it hurt less than whatever the hell they did down there to break my water.

I was told that my water was brown, and my daughter had meconium.  I was told not to worry, that normally things are fine- but when she was born, a team of medical professionals would immediately be taking her to vacuum out her lungs.  Great.

I waited for labor to start- nothing happened.  At 11:30pm, after sitting in the labor and delivery department all day and hearing woman after woman in the rooms around me give birth- my OB came in and told me that she would do a c-section.

I started bawling.  I was thrilled- in the same way I'm sure a marathon runner is overjoyed at seeing the finish line.  Never have I ever wanted something to be over with and done so badly.  I got a shot in my back, and made best friends with my anestesiologist, and was wheeled in my bed to have surgery.

I don't remember much after that.  Apparently I threw up, my daughter had her lungs vacuumed out, she weighed 6 pounds, 7 ounces, her daddy was the first person to hold her, he fed her a bottle while I was stapled me back up, she had a bath, I held her for a bit, I okayed sending her to the nursery for the night so I could rest, and her dad slept on the sofa in my room.  I woke up in the morning to see my beautiful baby girl, agreed on naming her, and held her for the first time that I remember.  It was glorious.

The next day, when my family visited, my mom commented on how I shouldn't feel bad for having a c-section.  What?  Why would I feel bad?  I had a gorgeous, perfect baby girl.  The only thing that made me feel bad was wishing that I had been given a c-section from the start.  It was what I wanted anyway, suspected I would need anyway, and would have been tons less frustrating and time consuming for everyone.

I remember after my baby was home- a friend came to visit me.  She joked about my c-section and said, "oh, too posh to push, huh?"

TOO POSH TO PUSH?  Bitch please.

There was nothing at all fancy about what I went through.  It was humiliating and mortifying.

I can't even with that phrase.  Do people not realize that recovering from surgery to the abdomen is truly no picnic?

"Natural" childbirth is labor for what, 50 hours at best?  You think this makes you a warrior, or a "stronger" woman that me?

I had pain for WEEKS as I recovered.  The first time I stood up after my c-section, I nearly passed out.  A nurse had to come to the bathroom and squirt my vagina off as I went to the restroom by myself, and my sister had to help me take my first post-childbirth shower.  My daughter's dad had to check my scar regularly and make sure I wasn't getting an infection.  And don't even get me started on the first poop after delivery.  I was so terrified, I waited 3 weeks.  My mother literally had to threaten to take me to the hospital if I continued to refuse to go.

If you are proud of your drug free vaginal delivery- that is great.  But that doesn't make you better than, or more of a woman than I am.

My husband and I recently started trying for baby number two (so far, no such luck).  He mentioned that his co-worker's wife had a VBAC, and this woman who has never even met me seems to think I could do it too.  Or should at least try.

Nope.

My second baby "plan" will be a scheduled c-section.  This is not because I think I'm too posh, or because I don't love my child, or because I am a wimp.  This is because a c-section worked for me (it was literally the only thing that worked for me), and I believe we need to listen to our bodies' cues.  Mine has clearly said that my vagina is not an exit.  That's okay, thanks to western medicine.  I am not a failure.  Neither is my mother, neither is my grandmother.

About Hobby Lobby

It's 2014, and there seems to be an attack on women.
This isn't new.
Women haven't even been allowed to vote in this country for more than 100 years.
So the fact that women's rights continue to be infringed upon really shouldn't be surprising at this point.  What else is new, right?

There are SO many things wrong with the Hobby Lobby decision, I don't even know where to begin.

I work in the medical field.  I LOVE birth control.  I love it because it helps prevent people who are not ready to become parents NOT become parents.  But more than anything, I love birth control because it is often used for reasons other than preventing pregnancy.  In fact, 60% of the women who take birth control take it for reasons beyond "I don't want to get pregnant."
What ailments can birth control treat?

Acne
Endometriosis
Excessive Hair
Hair loss
Heavy Periods
Fibroids
Irregular Periods
Lack of Periods
Painful Periods
PCOS
PMDD
PMS symptoms

Birth control is medicine.  Amazing medicine that is beneficial to women.

The idea that a company can deny women the right to having medications covered is absolutely insulting and offensive.  

The above meme is the response of some women.  
This shows a lack of basic understanding of insurance and how it works in our country.

I have health care as a benefit that my employer gives to me, for working for them.  Just because I get my health insurance through my employer does NOT mean I have free health insurance.

Every single pay period, a portion is taken out of my pay check, and goes into paying for my health insurance.  Every single month, in order for my daughter to have health insurance, and for me to have it, $125 comes out of my paycheck.

Additionally, we pay a copay when we go to the doctor.  On my health insurance plan, my copay is $25, and medications have a $15 copay.

We pay for health insurance, even when it is through our employers.

If we were to change the words of this meme to "if I want cancer medicine, I will put on my big girl pants and go get it.  My boss doesn't have to provide it for free," that would sound pretty messed up.  It's amazing that we never hear about whiny cancer patients who just want everything handed to them from their employers.  Cancer medication is expensive, and for an employer to provide health insurance and deny coverage of THAT particular medicine would be wrong.

Let's move on.

Religious freedom.

I practice freedom of religion regularly.  I was raised in the Presbyterian church.  Was in the church choir for more than ten years, and had some of the best times of my life.  I feel so grateful to live in a country in which I get to choose whether or not I want to practice a religion, and if so which one I want to follow.  I get to choose how I follow said religion as well.

Infidelity is something I believe very strongly is wrong.  It is adamantly against my religion.  I would never ever cheat on my husband, and it frustrates me to no end that others choose to be unfaithful in their marriages.

I have no idea if the coworker sitting next to me is taking antibiotics or not.  And if they are, I have no idea if they are taking antibiotics because of an ear infection, or because they cheated on their spouse and got a case of gonorrhea.  I have no idea and SHOULD have no idea because other people's medications, other people's religious beliefs, and other people's marriages are none of my business.

This is not about religious freedom.  Every single business owner has the choice about whether or not they want to take birth control, and if so, which method.  Nobody is holding the owners of Hobby Lobby down and shoving plan B down their throats.

Religious freedom does not mean that we get to impose our beliefs onto others or tell them how they should be living their lives.

Or it didn't used to mean that.

My religion opposes infidelity, but that does should not mean that as an employer, I am able to deny all employees access to coverage of antibiotics because some of those employees might be using that healthcare coverage in a way I disagree with.
My religious freedom in the matter is that I get to choose whether or not I am unfaithful to my own spouse.

"This happened weeks ago.  Get over it."

I will not.

I will not get over it, and I will not stop talking about it, because I am scared that if people stop talking, this will continue to be allowed and will continue to happen.

I am scared.
As a mother, who is raising a daughter in this world, that seems to think everyone except for her has a right to her reproductive plans, I am terrified.
I am ANGRY.
As a mother, who is raising a daughter in this world, that seems to think it is okay to tell her that the religious beliefs of the owner of a company are more important than her right to have affordable access to preventative healthcare and medications, I am livid.
I am sad.
As a mother, who is raising a daughter in this world, that she is still unequal in, I am heartbroken.

I will not sit down.
I will not shut up.
I will not get over it.
I will not stop talking about it, because it is horrible and wrong.